no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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