Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
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I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
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Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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