Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
