My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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