Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
