don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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