There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
