we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I enjoy the company of your penis
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
