My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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