i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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