So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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