i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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