i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
