Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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