i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
