Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
