i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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