I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
