you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
