I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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