It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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