you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
