In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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