Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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