I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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