i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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