The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
