As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Found your dick twin last night
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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