i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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