question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
