I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
