Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
