it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
