Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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