you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
