Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
