This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Randomize
