I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
