I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
