Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
