I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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