I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
