I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
