Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
