Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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