I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
