I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
