I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
