Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
tell me about the fingering
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
