I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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