Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Did I show you my penis last night?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
