Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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