watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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