I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
