just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
